My name is George Stevenson. I met Cathy Lawry in the High school. She was a pretty girl. Her eyes were in blue color and had a nice long blond hair. We were in same age too. I was fascinating about her and we became very good friends in months. After one year of friendship, we became lovers. Cathy meant everything to me, since then.
Then her awake her shaking voice…”I’m sorry Edie…I’m really sorry”
”You cheated…? about what…? What are you talking about Yuli?”
”I’m Sorry Edie…I’m a married women”
And i didn’t speak anything. I just stay still.
she surprised about my silence. And looked in to my face.
”Edie… why you stay still…? why don’t you flap on my Cheek…please do it…I deserve it.
I always thought I deserved better in everything. But most of the time I was not that much lucky to have anything. Although things happened like that, my heart not ready to accept that reality, so I was trying in anything which wanted to achieve, even if it’s so hard or painful. But eventually, I’ve been drained of the energy to hold on.
This is a long story, i’m not sure if i’ll write it out in much detail. I’ll try though. First of all, i’d like to say i’m not looking for advice or anyone to feel bad for me. I just need to vent and write it all out. Maybe have someone read it through just because I need to tell someone!
Anyway, one of my best and closest friends is named Francine. She is amazing. I made the stupid mistake of falling for her. This is how it all went down…
I’ve known Francine for around 7-8 years. We live really far from each other, so for the most part I never got to see her. When I was a younger teenager I used to not go out at all and then as I grew up I always thought travelling for almost 3 hours to see her was just ridiculous and impossible. Recently though, i’ve bridged the gap and have told her that i’m happy to travel to see her. I don’t care about the time it takes, all I want is to see her. It takes up an entire day just to see her for 2-3 hours. It’s completely worth it though. Before I made that decision though, we only really could communicate by phone or msn/facebook etc.
Which is why I never entertained the idea of us going out. I have always had a thing for her, but because of the distance, I didn’t think it would work out. But now that i’ve found out how easy it is to see her if I just make the trip, it started to become an idea that wasn’t so stupid. I once told her that if we lived closer i’d ask her out. She seemed to like the idea. She actually said that she was considering it herself.
Earlier this year I surprised her by showing up at her work when none of her co-workers were on shift (She works at a clothes store). She was really happy and afterwards we hung outside the shopping center. She actually looked me in the eye and said that if me coming down to see her was working efficiently enough that we would go out. Throughout the next few times I saw her she started treating that conversation like the elephant in the room and it wasn’t a topic that was brought up again.
I should say here that we always act like a couple. We hold hands, cuddle up, say I love you to each other all the time, have stupid couple-like phone calls and all that mushy stuff. So, obviously I thought it was going to happen. I had the best chance, right?
One sunday, I woke up really early to see her for a long time. I wanted to just hang out in the store and talk to her when no customers were around (It wasn’t a busy day, so yeah). I had planned on giving her this little wooden decorative surfboard with an image of a sunset beach that had been burnt into it with a wood burner. I made it when I was in my first year of high school (By the way, i’m 19 turning 20 this year). Anytime I had gotten upset I would hold this wooden thing and it would make me feel better. I’d just stare at it. It reminded me of a simple, more happy time. So, I always thought if I ever found someone I was truly in love with, i’d give it to her to show her how much she means to me. On this morning, I had picked it up with it in mind that I was going to give it to Francine.
When I got there, I scared her. I snuck behind her back and jumped her. We were behaving like a couple as usual. She would hit me playfully and then hug me all blushing. We spent the next couple of hours laughing and hugging when customers left the view. Then I did something stupid. I brought up the issue of us going out. What she said next pretty much broke my heart.
“Look… I like having you as a friend. I don’t know if you’re okay with that though. I’m just in a place where i’m not wanting a relationship, I don’t know if I can handle one. I wouldn’t want to lose you even though I know we’ll always be friends first. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen, okay?”
She’s never had a boyfriend before. Maybe she’s just worried. But I know that one day she’ll meet some nice guy and go out with him and i’ll just have to grin and bear it. Tell her i’m happy for her and be there when he hurts her. Nobody can appreciate her like I can. He wouldn’t love her like I do.
Anyway, I don’t think I said anything. I just stood there with a million thoughts running through my head. She looked a little freaked. It was about closing time, so I told her i’d let her finish up and i’d be back when she’s off work. I was in shock. I felt so bad. My heart had dropped. I spent half an hour walking around a parking lot. I then found this big empty open field. I walked into the middle of it and fell to my knees. I cried a single tear. I was too overwhelmed to cry properly. It hurt. I felt horrible, didn’t know what to do. I realised that I had spent more than an hour away, so I cleaned myself up, picked myself up from the dirt and walked back to see her just closing up shop. She smiled at me which just killed me. We only had an hour left to hang out before she had to go home, so I surpressed everything and just made sure she was having a good time with me. That train ride home was the worst. 2 hours alone with my thoughts. Ugh.
It’s been maybe a month since that happened and i’m trying to not be in love with her anymore. I know it’ll take more time and I don’t necessarily want to stop loving her for a reason I can’t define, but I know I should for the sake of saving our friendship. Otherwise i’m just going to destroy it because i’m such an emotional idiot. But it’s so hard to let go. Anytime I think I might be close to pushing the feelings down, she does the tiniest thing and pulls me back in. I can’t get out. She means so much more to me than anything I can think of. I’d do anything to just see her smile, given the chances. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me.
Then there’s times when she’s upset but won’t talk to me about what’s bothering her. Those times make me want to curl up and die. I hate that there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better. She means so much to me and I hate seeing her upset.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like my whole life centers around her. I’m on the verge of living my dream life. I’m starting to make some new friends after several years of being alone. I’ve got alot of things on my plate to worry about, but obviously this is the story of me and her. So, yeah. I just know that we would work together. She has much more things as well, so she doesn’t have much time for me. Not that it particularly worries me, because i’m finding that i’m getting less and less spare time. But sometimes when I just want to see her and I can’t.. Well, that sucks. But the point of this paragraph is that we would just work so well because….. Ugh, well I dunno how to describe it. It’s just the way we are together. The way we behave towards each other. It’s the kind of friendship where people are amazed that we aren’t together (Me included).
I know that I love her… And I probably won’t ever fall out of it. It’s not just a crush. It’s been years coming. Just never humoured the feelings is all. But now that they’re out, it hurts so much to know that she doesn’t love me in the same way. I know i’d make a good boyfriend for her. Alot of things that would normally cause problems on my side in a relationship don’t bother me when it’s her. I feel more matured towards her. Just those little things, like I wouldn’t get jealous where if it was any other girl I probably would get jealous over like a close male friend or something. You know?
One day this past summer, in early September, I was on my way to class and made a sudden right turn onto the turnpike and headed towards the beach. I made the 20 minute drive to the shore, parked my car, and sat in the parking lot just starring into the bushes that hid the view.
I went out there to that beach, and walked along a warm, sandy path. At the top of a hill hidden with tall marsh plants that echoed with sounds of birds and insects, I took off my shoes and laid down on the hot, soft sand.
I laid there for what felt like eternity and gazed into the blue sky. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much that the sun dried the wet tears onto my face, then I cried some more and my face became caked with layers of tears.
My heart aches for you. I am tortured with thoughts of you, and though I am sometimes convinced that these feelings have faded, each and every time I fall in love with you again. This is a horrible thing to live with, the love I have for you. I know that it will never in this lifetime be returned. Sometimes I can live with that, but other times I cannot. I truly feel that no matter who you end up with, and I am certain that it will not be me, that this person will NEVER hold the love for you that I do.
And you just cast it aside. You allow me to feel these feelings, and feed the passion inside that I have for you because you enjoy the comfort I bring you, the comfort of knowing that I will always be there for you. You keep me around as a last resort, as fuel that caresses your ego.
It has taken me five years to finally become fed up with you. My eyes are wide open, and suddenly I can see everything that I have ignored for so long. You have no place for me in your heart. You have no respect for me, not in the tiniest bit. If you did, then you would not treat me the way you do, you would not string me along and play with my emotions because you know that I will put up with it.
You know the never ending cycle; something you do or say upsets me, then I proceed to vent out my frustrations to you and threaten to move on. I never follow through with this threat, though, and then I eventually forgive you and come back. You know I will come back, so it doesn’t mean a thing to you if you gamble with me and the existence I have in your life.
You mean everything to me, everything. Yet, I mean nothing to you. Tell me, if I meant anything to you, even my friendship, why do you disrespect me? Why do you continue to degrade me? What I have for you is very precious, and not everyone in this world can say that there is someone out there who sticks by them, through thick and thin.
I tell you that I will always love you, and no matter what that I will always be there for you. Even if I get mad, I will always be there. I even joke that if I were to ever get married, I would cheat on my husband just to be with you. I say that if you were to call me and I found out you were in the hospital, that I would rush over there immediately to be by your side.
For all these years, I have put up with your games. I have put up with you disappearing on me, yet when you come back I am always there to welcome you with forgiveness and no hard feelings. I have put up with your neglect towards my feelings, with you shoving in my face your other relationships because I am so desperate to keep you around that I will listen contently. I have put up with your truthful, hurtful confessions, the things that you admit to and then deny ever admitting to me later on. You deny them, maybe because of guilt or embarrassment because no one in their right mind would be proud to admit to the horrid things you have said to me.
I remember you telling me about your new relationship with Vicki. You told me about how happy you were with him, how he kissed your whole body up and down, how you made love to him. I endured it, because I wanted you to know that I would always be there for you even if I had to put up with hearing that to keep you around.
I remember you telling me when we were still together, an eternity ago, that you had nothing left for me and that it wouldn’t bother you in slightest if I cheated on you because I was no longer in your heart.
I remember when you got drunk and kissed my best friend. I cried my heart out, but forgave you that very night because I was so in love with you that it didn’t matter what you did, because I was and continued to this day to be your doormat. You knew that you could do whatever you wanted to me and get away with it.
I remember you admitting the worst of truths only when you were drunk and at your weakest moments. You would admit to me that you liked to see the effect you had on me and so you abused it. Do you remember telling me that you said hurtful things to me on purpose just to see me cry, that it made you feel good inside to see me upset over you?
I remember the time you sent me the longest text message I have ever gotten in my life. It was so hurtful, that I remember the time of day, the season of the year, where exactly I was when I read it, and the complete numbess I felt immediately after reading it. It hurt so bad that I wrote it down because I didn’t want to push aside how cruel you were, I wanted to remember for the future when I would eventually gain enough strength to leave you. I had done absolutely nothing to you but profess my love and adoration for you. You responded by writing that my love and dedication to you felt like a burden and only annoyed you. The last lines of the letter were, “I hate you.”
I remember every single god damned time I professed my love to you, throughout the entire five years I have known you, and how you responded back. You knew what you were doing. You would respond vaguely enough to give me hope, but never enough to give me a direct answer. Never enough to tell me your true feelings, that you have no feelings left for me. But just to be safe, you would never go far enough to give me the satisfaction of receiving your love. You would only say just enough, and as vague as vague could possibly get, to give me hope and lead me on. Don’t you dare deny it, because you have admitted it to me yourself in one of your forgotten drunken moments that you only do this to keep me around for your own cruel and selfish pleasure.
Most of all, I remember what happened just three days ago. I had been seeing you occasionally in the past month and a half, coming to your house during the night hours and staying over after sharing a night of passion and sex. On Friday night I had told you that I enjoyed seeing you while I was still living in New York, and that I wanted to take advantage of it before I moved away again in the next year. Why didn’t you tell me what you did the next morning at that moment? Because you wanted to get one last night of fun while I was still your secret mistress?
The next morning we woke up from the sound of your phone ringing, your arm was still wrapped around my waist and we were both still naked from the sex we had just a few hours earlier. It was at this moment that you told me you had a response to our conversation from the night before, which surprised me because I thought you had already responded. Like an idiot, I rambled on about how I didn’t think there were any problems because neither of us were seeing anyone else. You interrupted me and told me that there was, in fact, someone else. Then you went even further and asked me if I wanted to see what she looked like. No you *******, why the hell would I want to see what she looks like?!
I remained calm, because I didn’t want to be angry with you. I just wanted to cool down and confront you later on after I have calmed myself. I tried so hard, but instead I decided that I wouldn’t allow you to degrade me again. I cried, and told you how angry I was with you. I left shortly after, I was disgusted to even be around you. I wonder what made you think it was okay for you to do that. Why would you tell me that there was someone else while I was still laying in your arms, naked? Why didn’t you tell me the night before, you selfish Bastard! Do you know how degrading it felt when you told me that? It was at that moment that I realized you have no respect for me whatsoever.
I was happy with the way things were between us. I had finally found peace with the fact that we would never be together again. I could have handled the fact that you were seeing someone else, because after all, we won’t ever get farther than remaining friends and occasionally sharing a night of passion. Just, why? Why did you have to tell me the way that you did? No man would ever tell a woman he had any respect for that he was seeing someone else under those circumstances. Did you ever think it through? Why did you do it, because you knew that I would put up with your ****, like I always do, because I love you so much and I would do anything for you like a sad little puppy?
On my tearful drive back home, I had never felt so foolish in my entire life. After all the things you have ever done to me, this takes the prize. I have spent the past three days thinking about that day and our entire past. My total image of you, my undying love and respect for you, all the memories of you and happiness that came from them, all the devotion I have for you… it has vanished.
I have threatened over and over that one day I will just disappear, and you won’t ever hear from me again. Yet, I continue to come back and give you my love. That day as I walked out your front door, I meant it when I said that this time it’s my turn to disappear, I truly meant it from the bottom of my heart.
This time, I’m not saying it as a strategy to scare you and hope that your love for me will suddenly come back, that you will chase after me to keep me around. This time, I don’t want you to come back. I want nothing to do with you, you Bastard. You killed the most precious thing in the world, and that is love, understanding, and devotion. You may go through relationships throughout your life, and you are always used to me sitting around waiting, waiting around like some sad, pathetic little girl who has a stupid crush. A dumb girl who you can walk all over like a door mat.
That security is gone. You are alone once again. You can see whomever you please, but just know that if it goes sour, I won’t be around to comfort you. I won’t be around to keep you company and to remind you that, ”no matter what, just remember that someone loves you.”
I will truly never know how you feel about me deep down inside. You are always telling me some sort of distorted truth. Now, it doesn’t matter whether or not you are even willing to tell me what goes on in your head. I am not even interested in hearing it, because I know that it will just be the same thing you have been telling me for years. You will never change, and I cannot keep torturing myself like this. I just cannot go an entire lifetime suffering like this anymore.
Don’t expect me to wish you Happy Birthday every year, like I have since I’ve met you, which if you recall, the first day I met you was actually on your birthday. Don’t expect me to be there when you need me. Remember when you were going through a hard time with your breakup from John? I won’t be there to hug you back, to comfort you. I will never again run my fingers through your hair, or cuddle up next to you and rest my head on your chest.
Don’t expect me to answer your calls every time and listen to your problems or what’s going on with your life. Don’t look forward to anything from me anymore. And please understand, I am not doing this to teach you a lesson. I am doing this because I am finally done with you. I am just fed up, and my heart can’t take it anymore. I cannot continue loving someone who can’t even appreciate my feelings for them.
You are selfish, and you don’t deserve the love I have to offer. You don’t deserve love from anyone in this world.
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