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Love&Life

My name is George Stevenson. I met Cathy Lawry in the High school. She was a pretty girl. Her eyes were in blue color and had a nice long blond hair. We were in same age too.  I was fascinating about her and we became very good friends in months. After one year of friendship, we became lovers. Cathy meant everything to me, since then.

After I came out the High school, I had to find out a job. I did many jobs but I couldn’t find a fare job for me. So…I didn’t have money in my pocket.  But Cathy never said a word about it. She always did courage me for find a job. At the time, I noticed that couples of rich guys were tailing on Cathy. But she never gave a even any damn look about them. She was always stick with me. I was really happy about her love. That was the only thing I got.
Time passed, I knew that without a job, I’m gonna loose Cathy soon. However I got a sales job in a super market, where I found my destiny.

There were three other sales guys were there, and they were practicing as a music band. I was born in talent for guitars. Eventually we set up our band and got chances to play in parties. It didn’t passed years; our success was rising up day by day. We quite from our sales jobs and played full time. Once we got a TV show and we hit the jackpot.
There after nobody can stop our progress. Our band was populated rapidly. All this time Cathy was nearby me like my shadow. Money was coming to me continuously. I spent more and more money for her.

But day by day, my life was changing; I got much money, lots of friends, and the girls. Most of the nights, I was drunk. Eventually Cathie’s association was a headache for me. I wanted to stay away from her. Because, I felt Cathy ruins my privacy. I met new girls every night. I didn’t want to stick with Cathy any more. But she came to me almost every time she could.
One evening she came to my apartment, on that day I was with another girl. But she didn’t blame on me. but she just asked,

“Why…why this? What happened to you now?”
I felt much guilty; I thought she may jump on me like a devil. But she didn’t do that. I felt a shame on me. I felt guilty about me. Finally I got angry about myself. But I exposed my anger on her…

“Bitch…you don’t need to fingering my life anymore…let me live my life alone…get lost you bitch…!!!”  
She left me forever on that day. I didn’t see her again. it was so ease to my mind. After one year, I left Munich. I came to Nuremberg and my life was a heaven since then. I got all most every happiness, there. Girls, money, Drunk nights, I thought this is the life.

Life was going like a fairytale, for another eight years. One night I felt very uncomfortable for my body. So I got some tablets and energy drinks like the other days. But it was continuing for two three weeks. Eventually, I got fever too. Some time I sweat all over my body in nights. I felt that my body is not same any more. Finally I visited a doctor.
There, I got my life’s shocked news. I was infected by HIV. In a second, I realized everything. But I was too late. 

Eventually my body and Soul were decaying. I was abandoned by my music band so easily.. My friends abandoned me. but still I got money to spend.  I used to medicate every day now. But I knew that in very near future, medicine cannot live me anymore. day by day I reached to my death. Sometimes while I was just sleeping on my bed, I memorized my past. There, I felt “Cathy”, as one and only my own angel. She full filled all my life. My inside was filled with her memories. She was the one and only thing, in my mind. Then I realized what was there in my subconscious. But everything is now gone.
One day, while I was sitting on my bed, in the nursing room, I saw that my angel was coming to me. Though I didn’t see her for last 10 years, it didn’t difficult to recognize her pretty face. 

“She is  more beautiful than before” I thought to myself. 
But now, I’m just a living Skeleton. She came and stand in front of me. I couldn’t stare her eyes straightly any more. I tuned my head down.  I felt, my eyes were getting wet, eventually that wet became tear drops and they were oozing one by one on my cheeks. Suddenly I felt something run through my hair, in seconds I remembered warm feelings of her hands, on my head, after ten years of time. she was running her fingers through my hair. I couldn’t stay still anymore. I just hold her hands in my hands. There, I felt the wedding ring on her left hand’s ring finger. I screamed and cried a lot. So… her too. There was no more to talk. Silent was so good, rather than making sad by talking any more. She left me after few minutes and promised to visit me again, as soon as possible.

When she was leaving I felt that, there is no more strength to live, in my body or soul. 
After 13 days of the above event, one morning, a nurse found Georg’s death body, on the bed in the nursing room. His diary was found inside his pillow cover.

This was the love and life story of “George Stevenson”.  

The Promise

As usual, I met her under the old Oak tree. That is the only oak tree, which is near by a wooden bench. And this is where I met her for first time. We sat on the wooden bench. Then she looked in to my eyes for a while and leaned on to my shoulders. I always happy to stay like that, So I can feel her breath and smell. Then she runs her fingers through my chest. Her silky hair which disobeyed, is struggling with wind blow. All are seems to be OK, but one thing. Not like other days, she didn’t talk with me much. I could feel how deeply her breaths, and sometime it became a deep sigh too. 

“Why this silence, and sad mood?” I Asked

Instead of answering me, she embraced me tightly. Then I moved my face to her eyes, I could see there are some sparkling tear drops in her eyes which, is trying ooze out soon. Then I kept my lips on her forehead. Suddenly she raised her head due to a noise which was made by a goose in the pond. Then she holds my hands and gave a deep look in to my eyes and turned her eyes towards to the mountain range, while biting softly her lower lip.
Then she stood up and moved a bit forward, and still looking at “Tatra mountain range”. I was looking her back, how beautiful is she? I thought to myself. She is wearing a short frock like the very first day that I saw her. My mind ran away to seven months back.
I’m an Estonian who came to Zakopane, Poland for work. I met her nearby this old oak tree in last winter season. Since then she was falling in love with me. And, then she is everything to me. My life is in this unknown country, would be meaningless without her sweet love. She gave everything to me. So…I couldn’t think about a life without her.

I could hear she is crying softly, and I could see it, while looking at her trembling body. Suddenly she turned back and run to me. Then I stood up. She straightly came to me and hugged me like a baby. She was crying hardly.

“Why this…?”


I asked softly, holding her shoulders and while moving her a little away from me. Now I can see her lovely face closely. Her eyes are reddish, her pinky lips are trembling and yellowish. Tears are oozing upon her pinky cheeks. 

Then her awake her shaking voice…”I’m sorry Edie…I’m really sorry”

 ”For what Juliana?”
 ”I didn’t want to loose you ever, that’s why i cheated on you”

”You cheated…? about what…? What are you talking about Yuli?” 

”I’m Sorry Edie…I’m a married women”

And i didn’t speak anything. I just stay still.

she surprised about my silence. And looked in to my face. 

”Edie… why you stay still…? why don’t you flap on my Cheek…please do it…I deserve it.

I remain the silent and sat on the bench. She is still sobbing. I knew, she doesn’t know that, it was known to me, she as a married women, since the day that I met her.
 ”Yuli I knew that…since the beginning. 

She talks with the shaking voice.

”How could that possible…Edie?”

”The day that we met, I saw the wedding ring in your finger. But the next i didn’t see it. I knew that you are  pretending as a single. Day by day you were closing to me. Eventually, I feel you are a part of my soul. I didn’t want to loose you either…But now i feel, I did the wrong…Because…I should have told you that, then you may walk away from me, at the very begging. I made this sadness in you, yuli….I’m really sorry…My love”
.
”No…No…don’t say that, you never did wrong, This is the happiest time in my life. Though I married to Kyle, he never loved me. Sometime he didn’t come home for months. He lives his own life, i am not in his world. So you are the person who made my life. I knew that I got special place in your heart. I thought, if i tell you about my marriage, you may go away from me. I never wanted to loose you, even now. That’s why i cheated on you…Edie…..I’m sorry, Oh god…” 

She was crying while hitting her head on the bench. 

Then I moved to her and bent her face on my chest. It is almost 6’o clock. It will be dark soon. we must leave, before the dark.

Painful Truth For My Heart

I always thought I deserved better in everything. But most of the time I was not that much lucky to have anything. Although things happened like that, my heart not ready to accept that reality, so I was trying in anything which wanted to achieve, even if it’s so hard or painful. But eventually, I’ve been drained of the energy to hold on.

Every time I was with her, I wondered who I was to her. Sometime I thought I was just her friend. Friends, after all, would make some sort of effort to catch up with each other. But I was more likely her assistant. When she needs me for something, she wants my assistance, that’s all she wanted me. But when ever she wanted my attention, help or kindness I did it with bottom of my heart. If her were in broken heart, always I was nearby her and fixed her. I was so happy to do that. If her missed the classes, or had any difficulties about the projects, I was helping her without doing my own works. Sometime she was mumbling her, feelings and emotions via telephone. I only listened to them, I never did let her know that my feelings or emotions about anything. It’s because, I thought she may fed up with my things. So… I cried at the other end of the phone, instead. But I tried to make her up, and I was always telling, everything gonna be Ok for her. I always keep my interesting about her as a secret. I never gave any clue about I liked her very much. I never did any effort into asking her out. I wanted to flirt with her, badly but I never.  I didn’t want to act as pushy boy either and wanted her to feel I’m the boy she is looking for.
When she was flirting with other boys, I cried hard in my heart and kept my patience. So finally,  I thought to make a distance between us and go away from her association. But after few days again she came and asked my help and my kindness. So again I did light up my hope about her caring about me. But after sometime, it happened again the same thing. This was circulating through out the passed three years. But eventually I realized that she was not for me. I was managing not to look at her, as could as possible. I skipped the most of the moment that, I should be with her. When she rang my phone, I ignored it and concentrated my mind and body to some other thing. 
End of the above all, my University life also ending up.Now time has passed almost for six months. she doesn’t phone me anymore. She didn’t ask about me, even from a friend of mine. I am pretty sure that she doesn’t miss me. And honestly, she may forgot even existed me in her past. When I think about this, deeply, it feels so hurt for my heart that, she totally forgot me in her heart. But the same time I realized that, she never gave any satisfaction for me but the pain. So it was the truth. And it’s always hard to believe this painful truth for my heart.

I Love Her, She Doesn’t Love Me

This is a long story, i’m not sure if i’ll write it out in much detail. I’ll try though. First of all, i’d like to say i’m not looking for advice or anyone to feel bad for me. I just need to vent and write it all out. Maybe have someone read it through just because I need to tell someone!

Anyway, one of my best and closest friends is named Francine. She is amazing. I made the stupid mistake of falling for her. This is how it all went down…

I’ve known Francine for around 7-8 years. We live really far from each other, so for the most part I never got to see her. When I was a younger teenager I used to not go out at all and then as I grew up I always thought travelling for almost 3 hours to see her was just ridiculous and impossible. Recently though, i’ve bridged the gap and have told her that i’m happy to travel to see her. I don’t care about the time it takes, all I want is to see her. It takes up an entire day just to see her for 2-3 hours. It’s completely worth it though. Before I made that decision though, we only really could communicate by phone or msn/facebook etc.
Which is why I never entertained the idea of us going out. I have always had a thing for her, but because of the distance, I didn’t think it would work out. But now that i’ve found out how easy it is to see her if I just make the trip, it started to become an idea that wasn’t so stupid. I once told her that if we lived closer i’d ask her out. She seemed to like the idea. She actually said that she was considering it herself.
Earlier this year I surprised her by showing up at her work when none of her co-workers were on shift (She works at a clothes store). She was really happy and afterwards we hung outside the shopping center. She actually looked me in the eye and said that if me coming down to see her was working efficiently enough that we would go out. Throughout the next few times I saw her she started treating that conversation like the elephant in the room and it wasn’t a topic that was brought up again.

I should say here that we always act like a couple. We hold hands, cuddle up, say I love you to each other all the time, have stupid couple-like phone calls and all that mushy stuff. So, obviously I thought it was going to happen. I had the best chance, right?

One sunday, I woke up really early to see her for a long time. I wanted to just hang out in the store and talk to her when no customers were around (It wasn’t a busy day, so yeah). I had planned on giving her this little wooden decorative surfboard with an image of a sunset beach that had been burnt into it with a wood burner. I made it when I was in my first year of high school (By the way, i’m 19 turning 20 this year). Anytime I had gotten upset I would hold this wooden thing and it would make me feel better. I’d just stare at it. It reminded me of a simple, more happy time. So, I always thought if I ever found someone I was truly in love with, i’d give it to her to show her how much she means to me. On this morning, I had picked it up with it in mind that I was going to give it to Francine.
When I got there, I scared her. I snuck behind her back and jumped her. We were behaving like a couple as usual. She would hit me playfully and then hug me all blushing. We spent the next couple of hours laughing and hugging when customers left the view. Then I did something stupid. I brought up the issue of us going out. What she said next pretty much broke my heart.


“Look… I like having you as a friend. I don’t know if you’re okay with that though. I’m just in a place where i’m not wanting a relationship, I don’t know if I can handle one. I wouldn’t want to lose you even though I know we’ll always be friends first. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen, okay?”

She’s never had a boyfriend before. Maybe she’s just worried. But I know that one day she’ll meet some nice guy and go out with him and i’ll just have to grin and bear it. Tell her i’m happy for her and be there when he hurts her. Nobody can appreciate her like I can. He wouldn’t love her like I do.

Anyway, I don’t think I said anything. I just stood there with a million thoughts running through my head. She looked a little freaked. It was about closing time, so I told her i’d let her finish up and i’d be back when she’s off work. I was in shock. I felt so bad. My heart had dropped. I spent half an hour walking around a parking lot. I then found this big empty open field. I walked into the middle of it and fell to my knees. I cried a single tear. I was too overwhelmed to cry properly. It hurt. I felt horrible, didn’t know what to do. I realised that I had spent more than an hour away, so I cleaned myself up, picked myself up from the dirt and walked back to see her just closing up shop. She smiled at me which just killed me. We only had an hour left to hang out before she had to go home, so I surpressed everything and just made sure she was having a good time with me. That train ride home was the worst. 2 hours alone with my thoughts. Ugh.

It’s been maybe a month since that happened and i’m trying to not be in love with her anymore. I know it’ll take more time and I don’t necessarily want to stop loving her for a reason I can’t define, but I know I should for the sake of saving our friendship. Otherwise i’m just going to destroy it because i’m such an emotional idiot. But it’s so hard to let go. Anytime I think I might be close to pushing the feelings down, she does the tiniest thing and pulls me back in. I can’t get out. She means so much more to me than anything I can think of. I’d do anything to just see her smile, given the chances. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me.
Then there’s times when she’s upset but won’t talk to me about what’s bothering her. Those times make me want to curl up and die. I hate that there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better. She means so much to me and I hate seeing her upset.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like my whole life centers around her. I’m on the verge of living my dream life. I’m starting to make some new friends after several years of being alone. I’ve got alot of things on my plate to worry about, but obviously this is the story of me and her. So, yeah. I just know that we would work together. She has much more things as well, so she doesn’t have much time for me. Not that it particularly worries me, because i’m finding that i’m getting less and less spare time. But sometimes when I just want to see her and I can’t.. Well, that sucks. But the point of this paragraph is that we would just work so well because….. Ugh, well I dunno how to describe it. It’s just the way we are together. The way we behave towards each other. It’s the kind of friendship where people are amazed that we aren’t together (Me included).

I know that I love her… And I probably won’t ever fall out of it. It’s not just a crush. It’s been years coming. Just never humoured the feelings is all. But now that they’re out, it hurts so much to know that she doesn’t love me in the same way. I know i’d make a good boyfriend for her. Alot of things that would normally cause problems on my side in a relationship don’t bother me when it’s her. I feel more matured towards her. Just those little things, like I wouldn’t get jealous where if it was any other girl I probably would get jealous over like a close male friend or something. You know?

My GoodBye Letter


One day this past summer, in early September, I was on my way to class and made a sudden right turn onto the turnpike and headed towards the beach. I made the 20 minute drive to the shore, parked my car, and sat in the parking lot just starring into the bushes that hid the view.



I went out there to that beach, and walked along a warm, sandy path. At the top of a hill hidden with tall marsh plants that echoed with sounds of birds and insects, I took off my shoes and laid down on the hot, soft sand.



I laid there for what felt like eternity and gazed into the blue sky. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much that the sun dried the wet tears onto my face, then I cried some more and my face became caked with layers of tears.



My heart aches for you. I am tortured with thoughts of you, and though I am sometimes convinced that these feelings have faded, each and every time I fall in love with you again. This is a horrible thing to live with, the love I have for you. I know that it will never in this lifetime be returned. Sometimes I can live with that, but other times I cannot. I truly feel that no matter who you end up with, and I am certain that it will not be me, that this person will NEVER hold the love for you that I do.



And you just cast it aside. You allow me to feel these feelings, and feed the passion inside that I have for you because you enjoy the comfort I bring you, the comfort of knowing that I will always be there for you. You keep me around as a last resort, as fuel that caresses your ego.



It has taken me five years to finally become fed up with you. My eyes are wide open, and suddenly I can see everything that I have ignored for so long. You have no place for me in your heart. You have no respect for me, not in the tiniest bit. If you did, then you would not treat me the way you do, you would not string me along and play with my emotions because you know that I will put up with it.



You know the never ending cycle; something you do or say upsets me, then I proceed to vent out my frustrations to you and threaten to move on. I never follow through with this threat, though, and then I eventually forgive you and come back. You know I will come back, so it doesn’t mean a thing to you if you gamble with me and the existence I have in your life.



You mean everything to me, everything. Yet, I mean nothing to you. Tell me, if I meant anything to you, even my friendship, why do you disrespect me? Why do you continue to degrade me? What I have for you is very precious, and not everyone in this world can say that there is someone out there who sticks by them, through thick and thin.



I tell you that I will always love you, and no matter what that I will always be there for you. Even if I get mad, I will always be there. I even joke that if I were to ever get married, I would cheat on my husband just to be with you. I say that if you were to call me and I found out you were in the hospital, that I would rush over there immediately to be by your side.



For all these years, I have put up with your games. I have put up with you disappearing on me, yet when you come back I am always there to welcome you with forgiveness and no hard feelings. I have put up with your neglect towards my feelings, with you shoving in my face your other relationships because I am so desperate to keep you around that I will listen contently. I have put up with your truthful, hurtful confessions, the things that you admit to and then deny ever admitting to me later on. You deny them, maybe because of guilt or embarrassment because no one in their right mind would be proud to admit to the horrid things you have said to me.



I remember you telling me about your new relationship with Vicki. You told me about how happy you were with him, how he kissed your whole body up and down, how you made love to him. I endured it, because I wanted you to know that I would always be there for you even if I had to put up with hearing that to keep you around.



I remember you telling me when we were still together, an eternity ago, that you had nothing left for me and that it wouldn’t bother you in slightest if I cheated on you because I was no longer in your heart.



I remember when you got drunk and kissed my best friend. I cried my heart out, but forgave you that very night because I was so in love with you that it didn’t matter what you did, because I was and continued to this day to be your doormat. You knew that you could do whatever you wanted to me and get away with it.



I remember you admitting the worst of truths only when you were drunk and at your weakest moments. You would admit to me that you liked to see the effect you had on me and so you abused it. Do you remember telling me that you said hurtful things to me on purpose just to see me cry, that it made you feel good inside to see me upset over you?



I remember the time you sent me the longest text message I have ever gotten in my life. It was so hurtful, that I remember the time of day, the season of the year, where exactly I was when I read it, and the complete numbess I felt immediately after reading it. It hurt so bad that I wrote it down because I didn’t want to push aside how cruel you were, I wanted to remember for the future when I would eventually gain enough strength to leave you. I had done absolutely nothing to you but profess my love and adoration for you. You responded by writing that my love and dedication to you felt like a burden and only annoyed you. The last lines of the letter were, “I hate you.”



I remember every single god damned time I professed my love to you, throughout the entire five years I have known you, and how you responded back. You knew what you were doing. You would respond vaguely enough to give me hope, but never enough to give me a direct answer. Never enough to tell me your true feelings, that you have no feelings left for me. But just to be safe, you would never go far enough to give me the satisfaction of receiving your love. You would only say just enough, and as vague as vague could possibly get, to give me hope and lead me on. Don’t you dare deny it, because you have admitted it to me yourself in one of your forgotten drunken moments that you only do this to keep me around for your own cruel and selfish pleasure.



Most of all, I remember what happened just three days ago. I had been seeing you occasionally in the past month and a half, coming to your house during the night hours and staying over after sharing a night of passion and sex. On Friday night I had told you that I enjoyed seeing you while I was still living in New York, and that I wanted to take advantage of it before I moved away again in the next year. Why didn’t you tell me what you did the next morning at that moment? Because you wanted to get one last night of fun while I was still your secret mistress?



The next morning we woke up from the sound of your phone ringing, your arm was still wrapped around my waist and we were both still naked from the sex we had just a few hours earlier. It was at this moment that you told me you had a response to our conversation from the night before, which surprised me because I thought you had already responded. Like an idiot, I rambled on about how I didn’t think there were any problems because neither of us were seeing anyone else. You interrupted me and told me that there was, in fact, someone else. Then you went even further and asked me if I wanted to see what she looked like. No you *******, why the hell would I want to see what she looks like?!



I remained calm, because I didn’t want to be angry with you. I just wanted to cool down and confront you later on after I have calmed myself. I tried so hard, but instead I decided that I wouldn’t allow you to degrade me again. I cried, and told you how angry I was with you. I left shortly after, I was disgusted to even be around you. I wonder what made you think it was okay for you to do that. Why would you tell me that there was someone else while I was still laying in your arms, naked? Why didn’t you tell me the night before, you selfish Bastard! Do you know how degrading it felt when you told me that? It was at that moment that I realized you have no respect for me whatsoever.



I was happy with the way things were between us. I had finally found peace with the fact that we would never be together again. I could have handled the fact that you were seeing someone else, because after all, we won’t ever get farther than remaining friends and occasionally sharing a night of passion. Just, why? Why did you have to tell me the way that you did? No man would ever tell a woman he had any respect for that he was seeing someone else under those circumstances. Did you ever think it through? Why did you do it, because you knew that I would put up with your ****, like I always do,  because I love you so much and I would do anything for you like a sad little puppy?



On my tearful drive back home, I had never felt so foolish in my entire life. After all the things you have ever done to me, this takes the prize. I have spent the past three days thinking about that day and our entire past. My total image of you, my undying love and respect for you, all the memories of you and happiness that came from them, all the devotion I have for you… it has vanished.



I have threatened over and over that one day I will just disappear, and you won’t ever hear from me again. Yet, I continue to come back and give you my love. That day as I walked out your front door, I meant it when I said that this time it’s my turn to disappear, I truly meant it from the bottom of my heart.



This time, I’m not saying it as a strategy to scare you and hope that your love for me will suddenly come back, that you will chase after me to keep me around. This time, I don’t want you to come back. I want nothing to do with you, you Bastard. You killed the most precious thing in the world, and that is love, understanding, and devotion. You may go through relationships throughout your life, and you are always used to me sitting around waiting, waiting around like some sad, pathetic little girl who has a stupid crush. A dumb girl who you can walk all over like a door mat.



That security is gone. You are alone once again. You can see whomever you please, but just know that if it goes sour, I won’t be around to comfort you. I won’t be around to keep you company and to remind you that, ”no matter what, just remember that someone loves you.”



I will truly never know how you feel about me deep down inside. You are always telling me some sort of distorted truth. Now, it doesn’t matter whether or not you are even willing to tell me what goes on in your head. I am not even interested in hearing it, because I know that it will just be the same thing you have been telling me for years. You will never change, and I cannot keep torturing myself like this. I just cannot go an entire lifetime suffering like this anymore.



Don’t expect me to wish you Happy Birthday every year, like I have since I’ve met you, which if you recall, the first day I met you was actually on your birthday. Don’t expect me to be there when you need me. Remember when you were going through a hard time with your breakup from John? I won’t be there to hug you back, to comfort you. I will never again run my fingers through your hair, or cuddle up next to you and rest my head on your chest.



Don’t expect me to answer your calls every time and listen to your problems or what’s going on with your life. Don’t look forward to anything from me anymore. And please understand, I am not doing this to teach you a lesson. I am doing this because I am finally done with you. I am just fed up, and my heart can’t take it anymore. I cannot continue loving someone who can’t even appreciate my feelings for them.



You are selfish, and you don’t deserve the love I have to offer. You don’t deserve love from anyone in this world.

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