This is a long story, i’m not sure if i’ll write it out in much detail. I’ll try though. First of all, i’d like to say i’m not looking for advice or anyone to feel bad for me. I just need to vent and write it all out. Maybe have someone read it through just because I need to tell someone!
Anyway, one of my best and closest friends is named Francine. She is amazing. I made the stupid mistake of falling for her. This is how it all went down…
I’ve known Francine for around 7-8 years. We live really far from each other, so for the most part I never got to see her. When I was a younger teenager I used to not go out at all and then as I grew up I always thought travelling for almost 3 hours to see her was just ridiculous and impossible. Recently though, i’ve bridged the gap and have told her that i’m happy to travel to see her. I don’t care about the time it takes, all I want is to see her. It takes up an entire day just to see her for 2-3 hours. It’s completely worth it though. Before I made that decision though, we only really could communicate by phone or msn/facebook etc.
Which is why I never entertained the idea of us going out. I have always had a thing for her, but because of the distance, I didn’t think it would work out. But now that i’ve found out how easy it is to see her if I just make the trip, it started to become an idea that wasn’t so stupid. I once told her that if we lived closer i’d ask her out. She seemed to like the idea. She actually said that she was considering it herself.
Earlier this year I surprised her by showing up at her work when none of her co-workers were on shift (She works at a clothes store). She was really happy and afterwards we hung outside the shopping center. She actually looked me in the eye and said that if me coming down to see her was working efficiently enough that we would go out. Throughout the next few times I saw her she started treating that conversation like the elephant in the room and it wasn’t a topic that was brought up again.
I should say here that we always act like a couple. We hold hands, cuddle up, say I love you to each other all the time, have stupid couple-like phone calls and all that mushy stuff. So, obviously I thought it was going to happen. I had the best chance, right?
One sunday, I woke up really early to see her for a long time. I wanted to just hang out in the store and talk to her when no customers were around (It wasn’t a busy day, so yeah). I had planned on giving her this little wooden decorative surfboard with an image of a sunset beach that had been burnt into it with a wood burner. I made it when I was in my first year of high school (By the way, i’m 19 turning 20 this year). Anytime I had gotten upset I would hold this wooden thing and it would make me feel better. I’d just stare at it. It reminded me of a simple, more happy time. So, I always thought if I ever found someone I was truly in love with, i’d give it to her to show her how much she means to me. On this morning, I had picked it up with it in mind that I was going to give it to Francine.
When I got there, I scared her. I snuck behind her back and jumped her. We were behaving like a couple as usual. She would hit me playfully and then hug me all blushing. We spent the next couple of hours laughing and hugging when customers left the view. Then I did something stupid. I brought up the issue of us going out. What she said next pretty much broke my heart.
“Look… I like having you as a friend. I don’t know if you’re okay with that though. I’m just in a place where i’m not wanting a relationship, I don’t know if I can handle one. I wouldn’t want to lose you even though I know we’ll always be friends first. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen, okay?”
She’s never had a boyfriend before. Maybe she’s just worried. But I know that one day she’ll meet some nice guy and go out with him and i’ll just have to grin and bear it. Tell her i’m happy for her and be there when he hurts her. Nobody can appreciate her like I can. He wouldn’t love her like I do.
Anyway, I don’t think I said anything. I just stood there with a million thoughts running through my head. She looked a little freaked. It was about closing time, so I told her i’d let her finish up and i’d be back when she’s off work. I was in shock. I felt so bad. My heart had dropped. I spent half an hour walking around a parking lot. I then found this big empty open field. I walked into the middle of it and fell to my knees. I cried a single tear. I was too overwhelmed to cry properly. It hurt. I felt horrible, didn’t know what to do. I realised that I had spent more than an hour away, so I cleaned myself up, picked myself up from the dirt and walked back to see her just closing up shop. She smiled at me which just killed me. We only had an hour left to hang out before she had to go home, so I surpressed everything and just made sure she was having a good time with me. That train ride home was the worst. 2 hours alone with my thoughts. Ugh.
It’s been maybe a month since that happened and i’m trying to not be in love with her anymore. I know it’ll take more time and I don’t necessarily want to stop loving her for a reason I can’t define, but I know I should for the sake of saving our friendship. Otherwise i’m just going to destroy it because i’m such an emotional idiot. But it’s so hard to let go. Anytime I think I might be close to pushing the feelings down, she does the tiniest thing and pulls me back in. I can’t get out. She means so much more to me than anything I can think of. I’d do anything to just see her smile, given the chances. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me.
Then there’s times when she’s upset but won’t talk to me about what’s bothering her. Those times make me want to curl up and die. I hate that there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better. She means so much to me and I hate seeing her upset.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like my whole life centers around her. I’m on the verge of living my dream life. I’m starting to make some new friends after several years of being alone. I’ve got alot of things on my plate to worry about, but obviously this is the story of me and her. So, yeah. I just know that we would work together. She has much more things as well, so she doesn’t have much time for me. Not that it particularly worries me, because i’m finding that i’m getting less and less spare time. But sometimes when I just want to see her and I can’t.. Well, that sucks. But the point of this paragraph is that we would just work so well because….. Ugh, well I dunno how to describe it. It’s just the way we are together. The way we behave towards each other. It’s the kind of friendship where people are amazed that we aren’t together (Me included).
I know that I love her… And I probably won’t ever fall out of it. It’s not just a crush. It’s been years coming. Just never humoured the feelings is all. But now that they’re out, it hurts so much to know that she doesn’t love me in the same way. I know i’d make a good boyfriend for her. Alot of things that would normally cause problems on my side in a relationship don’t bother me when it’s her. I feel more matured towards her. Just those little things, like I wouldn’t get jealous where if it was any other girl I probably would get jealous over like a close male friend or something. You know?